put your pretty smile on 'coz a frown is not, in anyway, attractive.

previously, this morning, i was decorating my planner. I just finished the outline for the January page when a fight broke out. suddenly, their tempers and voices were rising and I can no longer tune them out nor pretend that I couldn't hear them, as I was in the scene of the commotion. when I reached the February part, I decided to decorate it with hearts, as I decorated January with lame fireworks and a "New year!", to commemorate the holiday we celebrate every February. but, I couldn't put myself to draw up hearts at that moment with angered cries and shouts in the background. as foul-mouthed and outspoken as I was, I said, more of shouted really, that nobody ever listens, everybody just talks and talks and talks... i didn't expect that to go through to them anyway so I wasn't surprised that my sister just scoffed off my remark. reasons such as, the holiday, or the beginning of a new year, a new life, isn't a reason for us not to fight or scream at each other at the top of our lungs.

there were a lot of times that i wanted to belong to another family and at least find happiness there. i've always asked in prayer, why did God ever allow me to live on this Earth just to suffer from emotional torments that this family brought about? well, i'm still asking this question every now and then, but now, i pretty much understand why. to phrase it in a comprehensible way, i would like to use this quote from the movie Serendipity--"Why are we lying here?" asked Jonathan Trager as they were lying on the front yard of Sara Thomas, his soul mate. "Because you would hate it to be standing anywhere else." his friend answers.

yes, sometimes i hate my life. i hate my family, i hate my friends, i hate God. i hate our pet dog. i hate my bed. i hate my room. i hate all the money i got. i hate all the money that i haven't got. i hate myself (to be fair). but, this is what i got. i brought all of this on myself, i now figured. for all of these to improve, i cannot ask them to change for me or improve for me, but i can ask me to improve for me, and for them.

when myself unfolded before my eyes, it wasn't all that magical, it just felt like, oh hey that's me! that's what i'm gonna be! and it shall.

hello 2011!
Tolet Antolin