after two years of guess work and hoping, i was answered. though not directly as i would've wanted it to, but i guess this way's best. for the past few years i have been waiting, hoping and praying for one answer wherein the only choices was a yes or a no. if i have known what the answer would be then, it might've helped me move forward in life and who knows, it might just be a laughing matter for me now.
this morning, a friend told me to read something on facebook. when i saw it, what i felt surprised me as well, i didn't feel anything, it was numbness, stupor, nothing...
i thank him for that, i know it takes a lot of courage to answer a question like that. even though the question was asked two years ago.
for the first time,i became open to what i really feel. like, i have always been hoping for this thing that we have to evolve into something that would be an important part of me for the rest of my life. whenever someone asks me about how i feel about this, my answer was always the same, almost automatic: wala na. but now, that he's saying that, it made me realize the things that i've been denying myself for a long time. but, it would make no difference, his decision, i believe, would remain unchanged. after all, it took him 2 years to make that.
though it broke my heart to know his answer, i'm thankful for it. because now, i CAN move on. because, the hope that kept me holding on for such a long time is now gone without any trace that it even existed.
i'm not sure if really wanted to move on. its like, i want to wallow in my misery for some time. i know it won't do me any good, but for all the bad it brings, i might get immuned to it and become numb to everything else, then it would be better than the hurt i'm feeling now.
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